12/23/24 Dream: I had a dream that I was trapped at my dad’s hotel after I told my mom to drop me off. I remember he was a lot more restrictive than he usually was. He almost never let me leave. I then desperately searched the hotel room for anything to do, only to find my stash drawer in a random cabinet. I tried to crawl into the stash drawer to warp back home, but that plan failed. My dad then started to become suspicious, so I put all my needles and incriminating shit in my hotel bag. I then remember that I was trapped with him for days, nervous that he would abuse me, as he made a remark saying “Now that you’re my girl through and through, ima protect you like a princess, my Ashe.” I then sighed and hugged him, finding the remark endearing and validating. I was still concerned about him though, and I spent my time just getting high in the bathroom and occasionally coming out to awkwardly watch TV with my dad. I remember smoking trips were few and far between, and there was no vibrator or any other means of relieving my carnal tension there either, so I was pretty hysterical the entire time. My dad had a whole bunch of food there too like Pop Rocks soda, giant gummy worms, Spongebob Krusty Krab meal specials from some restaurant (I think McDonalds), a plate of sushi, and even some delicious charcuteries. He said that we should wait until my paternal siblings got here too though, so I didn’t test him by drinking it early. It felt like my dad was trying to lure me into staying with him forever under the princess treatment. I felt tempted, but then I grew bored after my dad asked questions about why I had needles in my suitcase, and that he said “I can only get you estrogen next week, sweetie,” so I decided to find a way out despite the rising tension. I snuck off into the hotel bathroom to use the phone, in which I dialed up my grandma for help on a keypad style house phone. I told her as quiet as I could “Grandma, help me! I’m PMSing, out of cigarettes, and my dad is acting very suspicious!” She then responded to me in a concerned voice, saying “Russ will come save you soon, don’t worry.” After this, I then went back out to the kitchen to wait, but as I was doing so, my dad kept pressing me on the needles. I refused to answer him though, and I just kindly asked him to stop needling me over it, and that it was for my HRT. He then said “You don’t have HRT here,” to which I replied “I thought you would have some…” After this, my dad grew silent and contemplative, and he went back to watching a channel that was some mix of ESPN & MTV. I sighed, and went to pour some milk and grab some snacks. There wasn’t much good milk in the fridge though, it was mostly empty aside from hotel minifridge shit though. I did see a couple wine coolers, however, and I decided to hide them by sticking them inside my bra cup / inner jacket pocket for safe keeping. The cold wine kinda hurt my boobs, but I figured I’d need them after this ordeal. I didn’t find anything else to drink that interested me though, so I just carefully snuck a pop rocks soda closer to the door so that I could grab it on my way out. I then grabbed one of the Spongebob meal burgers and stuck it in my skirt pocket, still within its cardboard container. It kinda smelt like a normal quarter pounder with cheese, but with a hint of shrimp and some random earthy spice as well. I then sat on my phone, occasionally talking with my dad about basic chit-chat, as I waited for my brother to arrive. I’m not sure how long I waited, but eventually, I heard five rhythmic horn honks outside. My dad then walked out there with a baseball bat, yelling at me “GANGSTALKERS, GET DOWN,” as he did so. This diversion gave me just enough time to pack up my entire stash drawer in my suitcase, before I then popped out the wheels and rolled frantically to the front door. Quickly, I grabbed the giant black and blue bottle of Blue Raspberry Flavored Pop Rocks soda, and then ran out of there as fast as I could. The wine coolers and breast forms in my bra still hurt my breasts, and the burger seemed to spill sauce as well, but I didn’t care. I ran out to the lot, found my brother’s car, and desperately hopped into the backseat as if a soldier hopping into an APC to escape a conquered territory. My brother then stared at me, saying “Someone’s manic, aren’t they,” in a sarcastic voice. I then took the hint, brushing my hair back into place, and removing the wine coolers from my bra to stick them in my suitcase proper. I then heard my mother speak in a concerned voice, saying “We couldn’t find your normal estrogen, sweetie. So, we could only get you these. I hope these help,” as she handed me two sheets of pills. I gratefully took the pills and examined them: One was called ‘Fem-X’ and claimed to be a hormonal supplement for ‘hot flashes and mood’, the other was simply labeled ‘Estradiol 4mg / Progesterone 10mg, generic’. I then quickly popped one of each, then cracking open the pop rocks soda to take a drink. After this, my mind started growing fuzzy, as when I popped the estrogen pills, my mind began to suddenly feel better, but also a bit more calm as well. Then, my brother began to drive off, shifting the car into 4th gear and flooring it. We left the hotel lot together, and I got the slightest glimpse of an odd grey sky with a pink sun, before I then woke up in my bed. FIN. I awoke thirsty, estrogen deprived, and having terrible allergies today. I also had a bit sad of a mood, but not too sad overall, as I wasn’t crying or anything, just a bit frustrated in general.
Dreams often reflect our subconscious thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Let's explore the key components of your dream to derive potential meanings:
Being Trapped at the Hotel: Hotels can symbolize temporary phases in life, comfort, or transition. Feeling trapped suggests a sense of restriction or being stuck in a situation, possibly relating to familial expectations or dynamics with your father.
Father’s Restrictiveness: The father's behavior may represent authority figures or parental expectations in your life. His protective but controlling demeanor could signify a complex relationship where you desire independence but also seek validation or care.
Searching for an Escape (Stash Drawer): Your quest for something to do, coupled with the attempt to escape via the stash drawer, reflects feelings of confinement and the struggle to find fulfillment. The stash could symbolize coping mechanisms (like substances) and a desire to seek relief.
Concerns About Abuse: The notion of your father possibly abusing you indicates fears or insecurities regarding your safety in relationships. It may also reflect worries about being misunderstood or judged.
Hugs and Endearment: Finding comfort in your father's remarks suggests a yearning for approval or love, even within a conflicted relationship. The “princess” treatment might also symbolize the allure of a life without responsibilities but with underlying issues.
Hiding Incriminating Things: This act indicates feelings of shame or fear of being discovered. Your worries about the needles signify struggles with personal identity and medical needs (HRT), highlighting vulnerability and the struggle for authenticity.
Waiting for Your Brother (Rescue): Your brother symbolizes support or protection. Waiting for him to arrive shows hope or a sense of reliance on family to navigate tough situations.
The Medications: The presence of estradiol and other pills reflects your journey towards your true self and the importance of self-care. Taking the pills can symbolize taking control of your transformation and mental well-being.
Running Away and Freedom: The frantic escape along with your brother signifies a desire for freedom and release from oppressive situations. The chaotic nature of your escape might express feelings of urgency and anxiety about your current life circumstances.
The Grey Sky with Pink Sun: This imagery can represent mixed emotions – grey suggests dullness or sadness, while a pink sun may symbolize hope, warmth, or love. It reflects the balance between struggles and moments of light in your life.
In summary, this dream seems to encapsulate themes of feeling trapped within family dynamics, the desire for independence and affirmation, the struggles with personal identity (particularly concerning HRT), and an aspiration for freedom and self-acceptance. The moods you experienced upon waking (thirsty, estrogen-deprived, and frustrated) echo the dream’s narrative, reinforcing a need for emotional and physical fulfillment in your waking life. Consider reflecting on how these feelings might connect to your current realities, and think about steps you can take to address them.